I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
