Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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