Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
this just has baby written all over it
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
