i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
