I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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