You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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