I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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