Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
