My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
