i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
