life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
