i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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