I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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