I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
