If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
