Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I can't put those talents on a resume
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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