I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
