Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
