as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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