Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
