we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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