and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
