Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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