Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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