Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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