I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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