Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i think my cat just said my name.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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