He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
