My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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