you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
one might say we're banned from that church
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
