My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
