I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
