I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
