Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
