i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
