nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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