and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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