I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
