Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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