if i can run in heels then i can drive
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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