I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
