Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Randomize
