Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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