i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
