dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I don't deserve a penis
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
