i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I miss vodka workout Fridays
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
