I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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