he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
