wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
