Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
