I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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